The 7th Day After Losing My Job

Today is April 2, and it’s my seventh day of unemployment. Although I found out about the layoff on March 5, I’m still feeling anxious.

I went back to my hometown today, and I plan to stay there for half a month before coming back to look for a job. Readers who’ve made it this far are probably wondering: Why am I going back to my hometown when I’m clearly so afraid of my family of origin?

The main reason is for my old friend from my hometown, Xiao Liu, whom I’ve known for 10 years. He’s been preparing for the civil service exam for a while, and I promised him that once he finished the exam this year, I’d take annual leave to spend some quality time with him. Now that I’ve been let go, I’ll have more time for that.

When I get back, I’ll have to face my family back home—my father and my grandmother. In the past, when I returned home for holidays, that uncomfortable feeling wasn’t quite as pronounced; maybe it was because I had a job to boost my self-confidence. Even back then, though, I already felt quite out of place whenever I went back home.

Family members and relatives are always comparing each other’s children’s jobs, salaries, and marital status. Aside from that, I’m ashamed to say that I don’t seem to have much in common with them anymore. I feel like I’ve grown accustomed to the freedom of life outside my hometown, and surrounded by the emotional support of my old classmates, I’ve lost the ability to adapt to life back home.

My family leaves me feeling conflicted. Ever since I was a child, they’ve made sure I was well-fed and warmly clothed, but emotionally, it seems they’ve never given me any encouragement or emotional support. They’ve never encouraged me when I’ve faced difficult decisions, and often, when I’ve achieved something, all they’ve given me is criticism and discouragement.

I was also terrified by my parents’ constant arguments. So, back in technical school, I decided that by going to college, I could escape from home. That’s how I ended up in Xiamen, where I live on my own and occasionally hang out with friends. My friend Xiao Wu here provides me with far more emotional support than my parents ever did. He even makes me feel more like family than my own relatives do.

So, with this job loss, one of my biggest sources of anxiety is that if I can never find a job in Xiamen, I’ll end up retreating to my old, emotionally distant family and living off my parents. I’ll have to continue enduring the subtle pressure from my family. And I’ll have to say goodbye to my friendship with Xiao Wu forever.

Up until today, Xiao Wu and I had been having meals together and drinking for five days straight. I would never have allowed myself to splurge like this—spending several thousand—in the past, but the thought that I might have to part ways with him if I couldn’t find a job in the future made me stay up drinking with him until the early hours of the morning every day. Today he told me, “I’m going back,” and that he was starting to feel a little lonely—which completely broke me.

I also think I’m an interesting person. From a rational standpoint, I’ve always known that even if we hadn’t broken up because of my current unemployment issues, someone as outstanding as him would still have his own career, life, love, and marriage. He has his own circle of friends, and he can’t possibly stay with me forever. As for my family of origin, I realize I’ve been running away from it. But my father—who divorced my mother—will need me to take care of him in his old age, even though being around him is a real struggle for me.

I also realize that, given the complex relationship I’ll have to navigate with my family of origin for the rest of my life, it will certainly be difficult for me to enter into a romantic or marital relationship. Perhaps I’ll end up living my life alone and in solitude.

I haven't been able to sleep at night lately—I've been feeling drained and sleepy—but after writing down my worries, I feel much better.