The work pressure during my recent probationary period has been really intense. On the last workday before the Dragon Boat Festival, while working on a data spreadsheet, I made two consecutive mistakes and sent it to my boss twice. The first time, he asked me to double-check it; the second time, he directly questioned whether I had actually done it correctly.
As someone who tends to get anxious, I realize that I’m more productive and make fewer mistakes when I’m in an environment where I feel safe and comfortable.
But if I find myself in a situation that makes me feel very insecure, confused, and anxious—like my current job, for example: I’m unfamiliar with many aspects of the work, I have a lot of tasks piling up, the processes themselves are chaotic, I have to report directly to my boss (I’m terrified of dealing directly with my superior), and I’m afraid I won’t make it through the probationary period.
So I start to get disorganized in what I do, and I keep making mistakes. Even when I try to correct them later, they’re still wrong, and I feel increasingly confused and emotionally unstable.
Regarding that spreadsheet, I eventually realized I couldn’t let my anxiety get the best of me. I consulted my colleague who had been mentoring me again. I’m sorry if I may have frustrated her, but thanks to my patience and calm analysis and handling of the situation, I was ultimately able to send the corrected version to my boss—even though it meant working over an hour of overtime.
It’s already the second day of the Dragon Boat Festival holiday, and I’m still worried that my boss might start questioning me because I didn’t do a good job on this spreadsheet.
I’ve been out of school for a while now and have been working for two years, but I’ve realized that I can’t even handle a simple data report—which is pretty embarrassing when I think about it.
Later, when I reflected on the incident, I wondered if my desire to do things perfectly—and my fear of failing—had caused me to try too hard, leading to that string of mistakes. The more I fixated on doing something perfectly, the more anxious I became, and the more I ended up messing things up; it seems this pattern has played out time and time again.
Ever since I was a child, I’ve always been too well-behaved. In my parents’ eyes, I was a good, obedient child, and at school, I was always the model student who never made any mistakes. I’ve had very little experience dealing with mistakes; I’ve always strived to complete my schoolwork to the highest possible standard and with perfection. So I suppose I just haven’t experienced enough in life.
I think maybe I should just convince myself to accept that I’ll make mistakes and that I might not be able to handle everything at work in time. Then I’ll talk to my mentor and boss about how to resolve this series of issues.
I think what I need to accept most is the uncertainty inherent in the probationary period itself. After all, it’s the result of a mutual decision. I’d really love to have no gaps in my resume and no extremely short stints at any job, but I can never completely guarantee that every time I look for a job, I’ll find one that’s a perfect fit for me. Through these experiences, I can also figure out what kind of job truly suits me. After all, I can’t always be right or make perfect decisions.
Just thinking about this makes me feel much more relaxed. I’ve always been searching for a way of thinking that truly allows me to feel at peace with myself. For someone like me—who suspects I have anxiety but is too afraid to see a doctor—this kind of self-reflection might be far more important than my job itself. It helps me break free from that anxiety and reduces the somatization symptoms I often experience.
